Tuesday, July 7, 2009

i'm actually crying with the FEAR of writing this. what a DORK!

i have to assume you are the ONLY person reading this, and i'm sure it's okay with YOU if i cry, and if i can't spell, and if i'm NOT FUNNY.

because you actually knew me when i was YOUNG. when there was promise. when we still assumed everything would be great. forget great...AMAZING. when the world... the woods, were ours. capture the flag and kickball and everything was MAGIC, and there was no question that we would SOAR.

and now. i'm not so much soaring. i could. i KNOW i could. but my heart is broken after so much SHIT, you know?

my kids are gorgeous. they're perfect, and SWEET, and healthy.

but their dad hasn't paid child support in THREE YEARS, and i can't even find him to get a DIVORCE, and i love my new man, but he's a TRAINWRECK, and i was laid off, and my daddy's gone and my family is definately crazier than yours.

my MOM didn't even call to check in on me after i lost my job. nice, huh?

i have the GREATEST fair-weather family. really. they're great. we have fun, we drink wine, we laugh our ASSES off. but when you actually need something...

and i need something. i hope to GOD what's happening right now, is that i am opening a door.

i PRAY that when i hit the 'post' button some cosmic rusted bolt squeaks open and a GLORIOUS beautiful ANGEL ushers me into a place at least a smidgen more PEACEFUL than the one which i now occupy.

that there will be some sort of REPRIEVE, and that i will STEP BACK into the possibility that we all BURNED with when we were 8. or 9. or even 10.

may it BE so.

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