Tuesday, July 7, 2009

it is i

oh, ladies i don't know. i just don't know.

i had a hard talk with the tall person with the penis who lives with me friday night; i stayed clear and i didn't cry (not in a trying to hide my feelings way, but in a not wanting my emotions to cloud our reality and become the focus of our exchange way), but i sure am crying now. life is so tough. for lots of people.

the song streaming now says yo trabajo sin reposo, and i do. i do work without rest.

i know i am not alone...oh, how people struggle; moms are spread far too thin, and no longer do we meet at the river to wash the laundry beating out our frustrations against a rock and we don't stand side by side and bid the dirt goodbye as it floats away from us down the river.

it may come as a surprise, but we don't even have a river here in bed-stuy.

i keep telling the tall person that it's more important than ever to downsize in every way, to hunker down and look after each other, but it's not happening. i told him that i'm tired of crying and i'm tired of apologies and thought of michelle and thought of kori and told him i'm in no shape to move (again) or to explain to the kids why we are leaving their dad.

they're five. why should such darling little people have to loose two dads before they loose their first tooth?

i'm so, so sorry to drop this sort of stuff on you all, but loosing my own dad, my job, the roof over my head in foreclosure, and now perhaps walking away from someone i wanted by my side from the very first moment i laid eyes on him...in a matter of two months. and dishes and mice and ants.

i keep thinking of the preacher at our little sister's church. last week he began his sermon with the words to a baptist hymn; it is i, it is i, it is i, dear lord, who needs you now.

he went on to speak of job. job who had received blessing upon blessing and all manner of abundance, and then lost everything. how many of us across the planet are experiencing this right now.

he asked that we, that i, remember the source of all things that brought all the abundance the first time around is the same power with me today; the possibility of restoration... of regeneration, is endless.

he talked about remembering to stop and listen for the lesson that might lie in the midst of the chaos.

i'm listening, lord.

i'm listening.

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