Tuesday, July 7, 2009

for charlita

it was one of those days when i don't so much feel like it's earth that i'm traversing, but something a bit more...inchoate...nebulous? and it's not air that surrounds me. it's swampy. like i'm moving through water.

...i'm swimming today. i'm leaving everything half finished.
things are a bit
as if i'm peering through the veil

i can't quite hear correctly and my responses are slow. it started yesterday. okay...first the alarm, breakfast, teeth brushed, lunches, etc, etc, etc. completely mundane.

i walk out the door with the two 5-year-olds on our way to school, la la la. there are two girls on their way to school looking over their shoulders sorta funny at the tree pit in front of our house. and when we get to our front gate, i see that there is a pit bull curled up, sleeping maybe...twitching definitely.

in our tree pit

of course i'm scared to get too close. i don't want the kids to get hurt. i want to get them
out of harm's way...i want to get them to school. so i wake up the man (who is of course still
sleeping), and ask him to please call 311.

i return home after dropping the kids off and there are a cluster of neighbors in front of the house, commiserating, keening, performing various elegies over this dog that certainly seems to be leaving this dimension, and they are talking about how they they heard the dog wailing after getting hit by a car last night.

you didn't do anything, call anyone, step outside to take a look when you heard the dog, get hit,
last night, and now you're moaning about it?

excuse me?

i'm completely rattled and convinced this is some sort of horrible sign. i pull a book off the
shelf and look up totemic dog references...well...uh, judaic mystical...oh man...my brain is leaking out of my ears. just trust me. i look up 'dog' and this is the first thing i read;

'our sages taught-when dogs howl, the angel of death has come to the village.'

what?! didn't i just say my brain is leaking? i'm tired. i'm too tired. i don't want the angel of death.

a few hours later i realize.. this murkiness is just how i felt when daddy died. well, not just how i felt...

the insupportable sadness...the sense that the plates have shifted under my feet. one false move could have me careening into some dark chasm...the upending that occurred when one of the most basic elements upon which my universe was balanced was simply, well...


these feelings have receded. but the swamp...it's still here. i'm wading through it.
i'm struggling to swim.

then this morning i open my email. charlita's mom passed away yesterday. oh god. as the angel was howling outside my door my friend charlita was waking up only to discover that

the sky is missing.

and suddenly rivers are pouring, i was weeping.

like i am weeping now.

how often is it that an angel taps someone on the shoulder and they simply roll over and go back to sleep?

i know you are not reading this, just as i know several moons will wax and wane before this sentiment could possibly complete the journey from my heart to yours, but

Dearest Charlita,

In these moments it is difficult to find words, because there really are none.
I never met your mother, but so fresh in my mind is the warmth and compassion
with which you enveloped me when we got our own sad news that cold morning in New Orleans.

A mighty, mighty tree has fallen.

Your mother had to have been a remarkable and deeply loving human being to have raised such an exquisite woman as yourself; lovely, and strong. She will continue to walk with you, as she is woven into your soul.

I am so sorry, my friend. I embrace you and your family.

so, this post is for charlita...

...and daddy. may our parents rest in peace and in the knowledge that they have done splendid

No comments:

Post a Comment